the 21st is this week!

Ah,
The op is on Wedensday, I have taken my last beta blocker the reality of Wedensday has hit my stomach.
To be perfectly honest I was unaware of its athletic ability: cartwheels, handstands and the splits!

I am still trying to ignore it and when at times the nerves attack, I reason with myself that it is just one bad day. And if that bad day cures me then it is wholly worth the long awake hours on the table and the hours lying still thereafter.

I suppose that my greatest fear is loss of control. To have total trust in these masked strangers. I mean how much do they drink? Have they just split up with thier partner? Are they up to thier ears in debt? Is thier mother ill? Do I really matter? Are they really as good as they think they are?

No actually my greatest fear is that I die. I don't want to die. I need to make sure my children and husband are cared for and that is my job, one I am not ready to hand over or reliquish.

But theres the rub, one has to be responsible and 'big' and 'grown up' and I simply am not, I know at 46 I should be but I am not.
In some senses by taking this decision to act aggressivly I am being big, but all I want to do right now is run away, say 'No its okay, I will be fine' then I get that stupid rushed beat that heralds an all out 180-250 heart rate and I realise that really I need to do this.

To be honest I really preferred it when the doctor said you have X we will do Y. This 'well if we do this you might (as in 1/200 or 1/1000) go pearshaped' approach just spooks me all the more you see I am an accountant(occassionally a writer) not a cardiologist.

Anyway enough of this madness and onto another sort, NaNoWrMo, yes 51.5K words under the belt, but a whole lot more to go!